Sigh. It’s gonna be a long, long primary season. Bernie has barely declared his candidacy and the center-right corporatist mainstream media is already cranking out story after story after story attacking him. We should not lose sight of the real victims here. Our hearts should bleed for the poor, sweet, innocent, defenseless hacks forced to write for publications such as The Washington Post or The Atlantic. How can they possibly be expected to come up with new and creative hit pieces every day? I’ve decided to take it upon myself to help them out in their hour of need. I’ll write an open letter to them with title/headline suggestions for future hit pieces.
It has come to my attention that you’ve been tasked with a daunting chore: to write new and interesting hit pieces on Bernie Sanders every day from now until his candidacy is over, one way or another. I’m sure your font of ideas must be in danger of running out already, and we’ve barely begun the campaign. So, to help you out, I’ll make a list of possible headlines and titles for future articles.
“Meet Joe Jones of Hoboken. He’s Deeply Concerned That Sanders Is Not a Member of The Democratic Party”
“101 Ways Bernie Is Just Like Trump”
“Bernie Sanders: Spawn of Satan”
“Bernie Sanders: Ineffectual Old Boob”
“Redefining ‘Bernie Bro’ for 2020”
Oops. DeadState has already done that one.
“Other Democrats Use Some of Bernie’s Platform, Therefore Nobody Will Vote for Him”
“Other Democrats Disagree With Bernie About Some Issues, Therefore He’s Not Influential”
“Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela Venezuela”
“Bernie Sanders is probably just another one-hit wonder”
Oops. WaPo has already done that one.
“Socialism, Socialism, Socialism, Socialism, Socialism, Socialism, Socialism, Socialism”
“Will Sanders’ Radical Tax Plan Reduce His Support in the All-Important Billionaire Demographic?”
“Why Sanders’s money haul doesn’t mean very much”
Oops. WaPo has already done that one.
“How Bernie’s Focus on Class Issues Is Hurting Him With Minorities”
“How Bernie’s Focus On Race Issues Is Hurting Him With Working Class Whites”
“How Bernie’s Focus on Economic Issues Is Hurting Him With Environmentalists”
“How Bernie’s Focus on Global Warming Is Hurting Him With Union Workers”
“Everybody Liked Hillary Until Grumpy Bernie Said Mean Things About Her”
Well, maybe you should give that theme a rest for a while. It’s been done plenty.
“Bernie’s Lack Of Accomplishments Compared To Those Of Other Candidates, Like…uhh…umm…”
OK, that one needs work.
“Sanders Lacks a Detailed Plan and Schedule For Implementation Of Every Single Policy Proposal”
“How Sanders’ Foreign Policy Is a Threat to
Oil Companies International Stability”
“How Sanders Is Just Another Pol Pot”
“Don’t believe the polls which say Bernie’s proposals are popular”
“Sanders and Stalin: Identical Twins Separated at Birth?”
“More Hopeless Naïveté From Crazy Bernie”
OK, that should keep you going for a while. While you write, be sure and follow these Important Guidelines for Bernie Sliming:
- Quantity is more important than quality. If we of the beloved corporate mainstream media fling enough poo in the general direction of Bernie, his campaign, and his supporters, everyone will assume that there’s substance to at least some of the charges, and his campaign will dissolve into a puddle of goo. Since we have such a sterling reputation as Impartial Arbiters of Truth™, nobody will consider the hypothesis that Bernie’s campaign is a threat to our bosses’ preferred status quo.
- Facts are nice, but optional. If you can find an actual fact or two to cherry-pick and add to your article, great. If not, feel free to just make shit up. And remember, this ain’t a court of law. You are under no obligation to include exculpatory evidence.
- Eschew coherence and consistency. It’s fine if your argument contradicts your argument from last week. Or the argument from your previous paragraph. Hell, it’s fine if your argument doesn’t even make sense.
I hope this helps you in our quest to keep the dark money flowing, tax rates low on high incomes, the oil flowing, and perpetual warfare raging. All hail our corporate overlords.
Shortly After I published this post, I stumbled into a gem of Bernie Bashing from Salon. It’s called “Former Hillary Clinton staffers slam ‘his Royal Majesty King Bernie Sanders’ for use of private jets”. The gist of it is that while Bernie was working his butt of to get Hillary elected, he flew in airplanes instead of… hitchhiking(?) Somehow this damns Bernie to some kind of Hypocrisy Hell or something. It’s sweet and kind for Hillary staffers to take a break from their usual griping about how Bernie never ever lifted a finger to help Hillary and instead gripe about how he flew in airplanes to many rallies to help Hillary, but did they think of my feelings? NO! I’m trying to write satire here, and they’re sincerely spewing stuff more ridiculous than I can even imagine. I’m a failure as a satirist. The real news stories, and the sincerely-held opinions of so many supposedly smart people, are so absurd as to be unparodyable.