Press release

Another Facebook post, I wrote this the day before my birthday.

Garth Hagerman today formally announced that his birthday, previously scheduled for tomorrow, has been cancelled. Furthermore, all of his birthdays and his entire aging process has been suspended until further notice. “It’s just not profitable to age anymore”, Hagerman said. “When I was a kid, people would give me money and neat stuff on my birthday. Plus, getting older sounded cool back then; now it’s just an endless source of pain and grumpiness.” This decision came after weeks of research and a careful cost-benefit analysis. The benefit of another birthday: a free drink at the local bar, was compared to the costs of aging: stiff aching joints, failing eyesight, persnickity digestive system, and more. “Birthdays are a really bad deal”, Hagerman said. He is currently researching methods for retroactively invalidating between twenty and thirty of his previous birthdays.

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